a teacher must lead by example not merely words. Words are there to explain the action not to compensate lack of action.

please remember i use a head set to dictate ,   it doesn’t always understand what i say

i’m not illiterate,   but it takes too much time to go over it all,   hope you get the points .

 

I will preface this article with the statement that there is a big difference between a professional psychiatrist, psychologist, and the teacher of the old path. At the end I will address this issue again but for now I hope the reader will keep in mind that the difference I intend to explain is that a professional works with the masses and must have a general outline in which he abides by and rules that he must not break, he has a sort of political correctness that he must uphold to show his professionalism. The professional uses big words, in-depth studies are cited, the professional treats the patient as a clinical disease rather than a person of individual needs. In my case, having pride in being a teacher, I put aside the political correctness and treat my student or friend as an individual. I feel that I take a great deal of time to understand their needs and their baggage and therefore I am in tune with them much more than a professional could ever be during a one hour session no matter how often. This article would jump around a bit as I usually do but instead of talking about theoretical high will touch our personal experience that I have just gone through with a friend. The end result is that my methods, though harsh, work well. If you don’t intend to read the full article I feel there is enough pertinent information contained within the first few paragraphs that the reader should now. So here’s a basic outline if you do not wish to read the entire article. First I tried to get to know someone as intimately as I can. In the case of my friend were past students we talked for at least a year or so and I engage them in many different conversations. The topics range from personal to professional from needs to want and so many other things it would be impossible to list. After about a year or so I have a good understanding of what their baggage is. The next phase is to prove my friendship and show them that I do not open to just anyone and even the ones I do open myself to, I do it with discretion and fear. So when they see that I have open myself to them, they feel good, they feel they have a ready achieve something and we become closer. As for myself I really do not open my life to many, only a few students and outside of students I really can’t think of more than two that I have ever been close to. The next step is to show them that I do live the life that I preach about. When I preach no procrastination I constantly give them examples of how I do not procrastinate in my own life. Though I am sick and health, have many problems, whatever the case may be I do not procrastinate. As a teacher must lead by example not merely words. Words are there to explain the action not to compensate lack of action.

I just came up with that and feel it is worth mentioning again… A teacher must lead by example not merely words — words are the heir to explain the action not to compensate lack of action.

So many times a black belt or senior instructor gives the students at many directions and many values or tenants to uphold, yet if you dig into their personal life they hold none of these teachings themselves. As I pride myself on being a teacher, I take this very seriously. I do not ask of a student or a friend to live as I live or do as I do, I merely ask that they do of what I do and live with half the integrity and honor that I do. In that way, I am not putting myself on a pedestal, nor am I giving them unattainable goals. The hard part in all of this is that the teacher has to be real and live the life. No student or friend, if they have half a brain, will respect you nor will they follow you if you are not all that you say they should be. Further more you should be able to demonstrate and cite many examples in your own life where you have failed because you have strayed from your teachings and explain how you would not have failed had you followed your own advice.

Now for the long story. A while ago my friend, as I call him now, contacted me on my YouTube site. He had an interest in martial arts and like my videos. Then he asked if he could call me stating he thinks we would be good friends. Now everyone has a different understanding of friendship. Most people use the word friendship very broadly and lack the understanding of what a true friend is. As for me I rarely call anyone friend, and if I do call them friend it is well-deserved and most of the time for short duration as usually something destroys the friendship. Now this is a very important point. Much like today’s black belt, if anyone could have that rank or anyone to be called friend, it’s really not a very special title. Only titles and positions that are extremely hard to attain , hardly no one can walk the walk to attain such the title or position, only in that understanding can you hold your head high and be proud when someone calls you their friend. If a person calls everyone their friend then you are not very special to also be their friend.

As we talked and got to know each other I noticed that he had many bags — insecurity and lack of self-esteem. As the talks one-on-one over the next year he opened up to me stating he was adopted and that his father was often strict with him. One story that sticks out in my mind is that when he was a child and into young adulthood he stated that his father would give him one chance to complete a task and if he failed there was nothing beyond that. There was no teaching, no explaining, no “good job”. There was just you failed and now I will have someone else complete what you could not. I understand the lack of self-esteem as I have many bags myself at life. I was a very small and sick child, always picked on and beat up daily. A good day was to only be beat up by the entire class 4 to 5 times but usually it was more like every. And there were nine periods in the school day plus recess.

As we talked he expressed a great interest in martial arts and talk about personal security in depth. It was more and more intriguing to think that I had found someone with so many common interest. We talked about a style of martial arts,uechi ryu, and he stated that he moves through the Kata seamlessly so I naturally figured that he must’ve been training 15 or 20 years as I was already training for many years and still having trouble with the kata. He also went on to explain that he was a bodyguard and involved in personal perfection for many big names. As we talked I began to notice discrepancies and what he would say compared to what a professional with experience would say. Having my own experience and executive protection and high risk security details I quickly started to notice that the words were right but there was just something lacking — experience. I never said anything because he was such a nice guy and I never wanted to hurt his feelings. We became closer and closer and many more conversations took place about martial arts, self-defense, security, and other subjects that were just good conversation. I came to know him as a very intelligent and well read man, his use of big words flowed off his tongue — not made up or shred chicken — just part of him. I got to know him on a very personal level and of course the teacher in me inclined me to take a personal interest in him setting down his baggage. As the story goes on some readers may feel I overstepped my bounds and interfered in someone’s personal life without reason or right. Others may see that in the end he is a changed man and set on a path that will be good for the rest of his life and also good for his family. The continuing message is — my methods can be somewhat harsh but I produce good results where is the professional who coddles the patient rarely sees the same.

Many conversations would be full of his apology, he would apologize for everything over and over. I try to tell him there was no need and that I was his friend though we had never met we had a good relationship on the phone. I went through some very bad times and I must’ve met my emotions were strained. Without a long detail of the fence I will simply say we lost touch for almost a year. During that year I sent him e-mails and complements on little stories that I read about his generosity to work charities. In one particular instance I read where he donated a very very large amount of money to a charity. I wrote him an e-mail stating it was an honorable thing to do and I thought a lot of him for it but he only replied with, “I feel that you are making fun of me”. The emotional baggage that he carried in his life would not allow him to see my genuine feelings — my genuine compliment. I’m sure if he were to read this, and I hope he does, at this very point in the article he will be disputing many things I have already said and continued to dispute things as I continue with this article. But I feel that I must put this in writing not only as a log for my students but also for him to look back on in years to come and hopefully realize that all I did and said was for his benefit solely.

It seemed hopeless that we would ever have contact again. Every transmission I ended off with, I am always your friend. The content of those e-mails is irrelevant, the only point to be made is that I reached out but he thought I no longer wanted anything to do with him. It was his baggage in life that led him to believe this, but I’m sure she is reading this now he will dispute it and say somehow what was my fault. A few months ago I sent e-mails and one of them was answered, it was the only one that was answered. I had continued to send e-mails, though there was never any reply, about martial arts and just anything that I would e-mail my students and other contacts. I would send training videos, jokes, funny videos, anything just to let him see that I kept sending e-mails and never wanted to break contact. Fast forward to after we made contact again, he said that it was only by chance that he saw one of my e-mails are responded. I am a big believer in fate. I’m sure I can look at my own baggage and say that it is my need to feel important or might need to be the teacher that makes me a problem solver, however, the important part is that he did reply out of chance — had it not been for that one e-mail, he would never have replied to me. We started communicating and it was a better relationship than it had been. I felt that I had made a difference somehow as he was not so sensitive. We had many good conversations. In the past his conversations with me were the only thing that got me through some very sad times. But while we were a power-based many more sad and hopeless times and I was alone. several of my students had quit, moving out of state or just becoming too busy with their family life. Loved ones suddenly became sick and passed. The woman I was with for 17 years was now gone — here’s a funny, we split in two weeks later she got her new boobs and like all the other women in the gym those new boobs changed her — so I was truly alone. After almost a year my friend and I have contact again and I was very grateful. I really wanted to help them set down his baggage. I felt the one thing that he was missing in his life is that someone who said “I’m proud of you, he did a good job”.

Through all our conversations he and Leslie apologize for coughing, talking to someone else, or having to end the conversation. I gave him many topics of discussion and try to impart not only advice but real-life experience. I try to tell him about a workout plan and a diet plan, he was always on a new diet from being a vegan to the Atkins diet. There is only one way to diet and that is the eats sensibly and minimally daily. Workouts cannot be missed and daily life must be filled with chores and vigorous activity. I finally offered for him to come down to Florida and see me. I stated that we would make the trip a training exercise and that he would live as I do for a week. He came down for 12 days. I know he did not understand when I said that I was working for three weeks prior to his arrival to free myself while he was here. Every minute of every day is filled for me. Meeting my life is lived within military discipline, I have house chores, I cooked daily, I never eat out, I take care of the yard, full detail on my vehicle every week which takes 4 to 5 hours on Saturday, between all that and then fixing things and working out 4 to 5 hours a day there is no time to waste. While he was here he said many times “leave that for tomorrow”. My continual message was that there is no tomorrow. The warrior fills every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And then it turns into an hour and hour turns into a day, a day into a month and then the years lost, few live this way but it has paid off in my life. I cooked up for a whole week before to five hours daily so that we would have food for his 12 day trip. I made egg plant Parmesan from scratch manicotti, homemade sauce, I ordered a ribeye that was three months of dry aged — it was about 14 pounds. Nothing but the best to show him that I truly cared, I normally eat very humbly with $.99 chicken thighs and beans all week every week. Rarely do I have vegetables as they are expensive and bought for him, to show my gratitude for his friendship, I bought over 40 red and yellow bell peppers, which are about five dollars apiece down here, shiitake mushrooms — $10 a pound, and many other expensive items to show him my commitment to the friendship. While he was here, we were to work out at my gym as ideal for 4 to 5 hours daily. He has many health issues and only made it to the gym two times. He was sick and afraid of getting ammonia so a few days he had to stay in his hotel room on a breather. I have six tons of rock to spread as I am getting rid of grass. He helped me immensely and actually outworked me. We shovel arrived for about 5 1/2 hours and he was full of life, laughter and during that time I saw a different person. I told him I saw the real “him”. He was not the meek apologetic person I had talked to on the phone for all this time. I was sick myself but he had me laughing and I felt the friendship was closer than it has ever been.

I would now like to take a moment to make a point about the importance of working together. When you work physically and suffer a bit with your friend it inevitably brings you closer together. As stated the professional psychologist or psychiatrist just sits and offers excuses and remedies for your life problems whereas a teacher gets in there and gets his hands dirty with you. Think about this, a person sitting in a suit — in a position of authority is not a person that you humbly trust or feel close to. They are distant in and put a barrier that strongly says I am not your friend I am only your professional here to help you. Just remember this it will be pertinent later on in the discussion. Whereas a teacher associates himself with the student on a more humble and every day means. We were shoveling rock. Nothing glorious about that nothing professional, only two guys doing hard labor, both with health issues and pushing each other through the sickness to complete a task. This is in a small way the way the military brings the team together, suffering together and succeeding together build a bond like no other.

While he was here, I really thought my life aside to cook for him daily and make myself available. I didn’t do any chores and that put me behind my months. I wanted him to understand that my life is so busy that every second turns into a day and a day into a year, but I put my personal chores aside to be a good host and a good friend. Now let’s fast forward to the end of the trip. I felt there were many good aspects and that he had turned a corner — I stated over and over, “leave your bags here in Florida”. I also played a psychological game. Many times when a person has a problem or seeks change in their life, a metaphorical example is needed — something to refer to in times of stress to get them back on track. It’s a sort of brainwashing that the military has used for years, and great nations for centuries. Just think for a minute about the power of a saying — quote — some chant. As humans we aspire to believe in something greater than ourselves. It is the basic premise of the human weakness that we have an innate need to worship a greater power and be part of the bigger picture. Humans are very weak and require a social connectivity and acceptance within a hierarchy. The problem in modern times is that the acceptances usually by a group of losers in the hierarchy does not exist — there is only a group of losers but no leaders. When someone has emotional baggage first you must appear superior so that they want your knowledge, then you must appear needy so that they can help you and feel needed, then you must appear even more fragile than they are so that they can find the strength to help you and in helping you help themselves. So while my friend was here I showed him strength. I showed him a shade of discipline of how I live life but I was not able to show him the reality of how I live life because there was not time and he was sick in his hotel room many days. I wanted him to come to the gym with me every day and see the way I pushed to my workouts and mostly even though I had pain, but he cannot help his health issues and it was more important for him to guard his health and to come to gym. By the time he left we had become very close. So much so that I cried like a baby the day before his departure in the day of his departure I was an emotional wreck. Sure I could’ve guarded my emotions and appeared to be strong and uncaring but that is not the teacher. The teacher lays his sword down at the students needs and says with all humility “here is my sword, I am defenseless, strike me down if you will but know that I only care about you I will not defend myself, I will not fight, I am your friend and you have the ability to strike me down, not through brute force, not through fighting ability, but because you are my friend and you have my heart”.

Now here’s the point of this entire conversation. At the gym I converse with a professional psychologist. I told him of my experience with my friend — how I cooked for him — how I put my personal life aside while he was here and three weeks prior to his arrival — I explained to him that I really felt that I made a difference in his life and showed him for once someone truly cared about him — I went on to explain to him an event one night, my friend bought a chair to sit outside. It was nice weather and we spend every night outside by a fire eating off the grill until the wee hours of the morning. My friend has never been very mechanical. I saw this baggage and ham, he was trying to put this wicker chair together, it was a very simple task but because of his baggage — because he had been shot down in life so much — because father would only give him one chance to fail and then never explain how to succeed — I knew this would be a task that would probably make him feel worse rather than better. He said he wanted to try to put the chair together. So I let him struggle for about 20 minutes then I offered some help. I never told him what to do merely opened his eyes to the problems. The way the chair would go together is that polls with Allen heads or some callbacks heads which require an Allen wrench would be screwed through the frame into a not on an adjacent piece. The instructions were somewhat clear but as always instructions never tell the whole picture. He looked at them for a while and just couldn’t figure out how to put this chair together. Furthermore, there were plastic caps on several of the inserts — there was a threaded insert that would go through the frame of the connecting piece and the Allen screw with securing — how it actually goes together is irrelevant — the only relevant part is that there were caps on these inserts which hid the threaded hole. Knowing that his father would give him one chance to fail and then just take over or get someone else on was not about to let him fail nor was I about to give him any answers. I would make him work through this offering only slight hints and instruction when needed but I would not solve this puzzle for him. In the end at 10 minute job turned into almost 2 hours. I knew that there was a lot of screwing to do and that little Allen wrench was not going to get the job done quickly. I offered my cordless drill with an Allen had insert but he refused many times over. He was reading the instructions but nothing was making sense. I finally said wrote the instructions away and just look at it as a cheer. Just look at it as a cheer — you know what a chair looks like so therefore you know how to put this together. He couldn’t get the concept so I started taking pieces and asking him if they went together this way or that way. I would hold the side of the cheer against the back of the chair and ask — “does this look right “does this look right”. Then I would hold the bottom to the side of the chair and again asked “does this look right”. When there was no reply and I knew wasn’t making sense I would then start to offer a bit event site and say “we know that a cheer as the back and we know their cheer has a seat now we look at besides this looks like where you put your arm and looked at the slope of the cheer this would indicate that it goes backward”, and so on. Finally we started to construct the chair, now there were only about 8 V that had to be put in but it was a very daunting task for him as he has not done this before. I started to line up holes and tell him what the bolt in and as he attempted to I would ask what the little round flat and he was — the washer. He asked what it was for and why would you use it. I then offered a very detailed explanation of the use of the washer, all different sizes and why you would put on one side versus the other. I immediately saw that this is something he was not used to, he was used to just being told what to do, failing at it, and being sent away. This time, however, I made him work through it only offering questions not answers. Then he started to use the Allen wrench and if you’ve ever used one there is a very short side in the long side, it looks like an L. I suggested that he use alongside to screw the bolt in far enough to where he met resistance as the long side can be twisted between your fingers and quickly rotated. He was using the short side which only gave him a quarter turn at a time. When it finally got snide then you turn the wrench to the small side in the long side gives you that the work needed to tighten the fastener. I’ll spare you the rest of the task but the important part is that almost 2 hours later into a 10 minute assembly it was finally together. At one point I kept saying the plastic caps probably go into the frame and no screw was needed. However I knew that the caps were just protectors and must be removed. We placed the back of the chair on the hole in the side frame but it would not fit because of the protective. I told him to lean on it as hard as he can — all 330 something pounds of him, I even got a sledgehammer and started whacking it but it would not go in. Finally he offered a solution — he said we should cut the Off. I kept saying let’s try another way. I knew if we took a blade to the We would damage the furniture I also knew that the Would just pull off. I said again you don’t think that Would come off? He pulled on and pulled on it but it would not come. He again wanted to cut it off. I knew that these protective caps had to be twisted to break loose the bond when they are put on at the factory but he did not know that in his reality was that the Would only be cut off. So we again tried to push the Through the hole with no success. Then finally I said to him “well we know that this is the side and we know that this is the back and we know that this is where you set so all we have to do is get the back to go into the side needs and were good.” But the issue still remains that the Would not go into the hole and he knew that it had to come off but wanted to cut it so finally I said to him “I think you’re right, these Staff to come on but I don’t know if we should cut them”. I then pulled on it with all my strength and nothing but I wanted him to see it was trying his way, then I twisted it slightly and said with great amazement “hey I just twisted this thing by accident and it seems to move do you think you could get it off? You’re a lot stronger than I am and I think if you twisted a little it may pop off”. They came off with the ease with a slight twist and we started to put the cheer together. There were a couple holes that didn’t lineup but I did not offer any solution. I merrily kept asking questions. Finally I asked “what if you were to just push this site a little bit it looks like it has enough play that you can line the hole up”. It worked and we finally got the cheer together. The point is that I did not chastise him nor did I give him answers I merely kept asking questions to try to guide him to the answer. In retrospect I sure wish he would’ve taken me up on the grill because we were both starving and dinner didn’t come for another two hours after this :}
my point is that when you want to help someone you must be willing to take the time to walk the path with them. It doesn’t do anyone a bit of good to give them the answer, only to make them suffer her struggle to find the answer. My message is are often thrown down and said to be wrong. However, my methods are successful and I have changed many lives.
Now for a little side diversion. The psychologist at the gym, I love talking to him because he is full of knowledge and often gives me insight and they did not have before, but it is from a professional point of view and differs greatly from my point of view as a “teacher”. I explained to him the whole trip and all that I had done for my friend. And I must say that my friend really prove himself in friendship — while he was here my doggie became very ill and I was financially strapped, my friend came with me to the vet , I had a bill for one day over $500 and my friend paid for it — this meant so much to me, it was not helping me but helping what I love — my doggie is everything to me. Though my friend has financial means it is not his obligation to spend his money on me or my problems but he did unselfishly. This made me feel even more obligated to help him set his bags down. As I explained to the psychologist how I thought that I showed him such friendship by clicking and putting my personal life aside,, as I explained how I tried to set an example those years older than me I showed him a warrior life of dedication and “get it done now”, the psychologist blew me away as he told me that I had hurt my friend, not help them, my whole world had crashed. I asked him to explain this and he did stating that by looking for my friend I made him feel bad because I put so much aside that he could not repay the favor. This did not make sense to me. He went on to say that by showing him how I live I made him feel like a loser because he could not live in the same fashion. I explain that money was to give him a glimpse into another world and even went so far as to bring up class issues stating that many people walk away for me with her head hung low because when you interact with me there are no more excuses. Students in interview or ones that are dismissed are forced to see themselves for what they are and most of the time that is a loser — that is why they cannot be part of class. But the psychologist one on to explain that everything I did was detrimental to my friend and did not help him. So I decided to make an experiment out of this. I believe that my ways are right — I first show or person that I genuinely care for them, then we talk about their issues, then I offer the solution by living life in a different way — what I call “the warrior path,”. The experiment would be to tell my friend with the psychologist said and see how he reacted. I had hoped that he would have stated the psychologist was full of crap and that my method was perfect and helped him so much but I was wrong. When I explained to my friend all the psychologist had said, much to my surprise my friend wholeheartedly agreed and went on to scold me for being such a jerk to him. I really wasn’t expecting this. Through all my experience no one has ever really lashed out at me this way but they have gone their own way and ceased contact for many years — but in every case there is a letter, e-mail, phone call, and something years later when the student calls and says training had changed her life back there a better parent, husband or wife, their career took off — something but always a benefit. They always go on to explain that at the time they thought I was mean, cruel in my training methods, or just plain insulting to them — but years later they understand that it was tough love — that I cared so much, unlike everyone else I was willing to be hated to help them. I know my methods work but the price is being despised for a time until the student realizes how much they have been helped.

So after I explained the psychologist point of view, my friend rip me a new one then he left me a long message and rip me about 10 more. He scolded me harshly stating I always want everything my way, I cut him off on the phone all the time and bully him, and so many other things. Now in my defense, many times they do cut him off because he gets off on a tangent of jokes and irrelevant statements that take us from a serious conversation and if I let him continue he ends up saying he lost his point and we can’t remember what we were talking about. So I do cut him off but it is in a strategic way. He also said that I am selfish and want things my way, truly do insist on my way but not because I am selfish, only because I care. How else can you teach someone to do something different if you do not insist on doing it the right way. A good example would be someone taking pasta out of boiling water with your bare hand. I say this because right now I am boiling water for my Sunday pasta. If you see them put their hand into the boiling water in their hand becomes blistered and they suffer second degree burns — if you care about them you will assist that they use a colander and not use their hand anymore. Their position could be that you want things your way and your selfish — the reality is that you do want things your way but not because your selfish, only because you care. When someone has been scorned in their life, when they have baggage, when they have low self-esteem and have been hurt by so many, it is only natural that they lash out at anyone who tries to help them. Long before they have the confidence to understand the care they have the defense to feel the attack.

After my friend rip me another 10 holes on the phone I said to him that I would change. I would no longer cut him off, I would not insist on anything, I would not offer him advice nor would I ever tell him he was doing anything wrong again. In part of his message he expounded on how he is 55 (I am only 47) he is a grown man and able to make his own decisions. I apologized in my most humble way and since then, which has only been a couple weeks, I have not offered advice or try to change anything that he does. I see that he is making mistakes and has worked out and hurting himself but I will not offer advice. There are a few things that I would like to offered by Sun but I will not because he scolded me so harshly. I do not hold it against him with any malice, I understand that this is a natural progression and I am happy that he was able to stand up to me even though he is doing it out of a motion he is making progress. The price of being a teacher is often also being the one who is hated. But if your heart is pure and truly intend to help someone and you will endure and wait for the call someday that says “you changed my life”. He has stated that he is doing things much differently, he has told me that he is trying to have it dedicated workout schedule though his health will not permit him to be as dedicated as he should — and that is one of the areas that I see him making mistakes, I wish I could advise him on how not to get so sick through his workouts but after his scolding I will not give any offering and just let him figure it out if he does. He told me that his trip to Florida has changed his life and that he is more confident — I brought up here a few times and he said that that was a huge thing for him that he gained confidence not to run away from problems but to attack them. While he was here he told me that the cheer incident was scary to him but because I made him figure it out he learned that he can just attack things and try to figure them out rather than quit — while he was trying to put the cheer together and struggling he kept saying “why don’t we just returned — maybe there is someone to store I can pay to put it together”. I just kept pushing him to get it together on his own just figure it out.

From the psychologist point of view, a professional in his field, meaning I did everything wrong. Yet the psychologist admits that he has little success with his clients staking his failure on the client who was not willing to accept change or in their wrong. Whereas my methods produce results, my message change lives, my methods work — but I have to pay the price — I am not honored as a professional as the psychologist is in most of the time students walk away for me hating me or at least feeling bad towards me. But years later when they put their baggage down, when their lives are good in their minds readies, then I get the letter or call stating how they did not see the wisdom in my ways or did they feel that I cared for them, but like a child who does not understand a parent is guarding them until they are old and it is too late to offer gratitude, so the student and my friend will take a lifetime to understand the unselfish and loving ways of my training but until then I will be a bit scorn and that’s okay — there is a price in being a teacher, there is no glory, there is no reward in the form of a certificate, there is only a reward many years later when that student or friend calls and tells you how they benefited from what they once thought was wrong.

My friend is now back in his home state on the other side of the country for me. I hear a confidence in his voice that was not there before, he states that his trip has changed him and though he still has bags he will send them here to Florida and put them down forever, he has changed and I am so happy. He scolded me, not out of anger, but out of pain and fear that had been put in him by others, I know he was not lashing out at me only using me as an example of the ones who had heard him. To be a teacher and to truly help the ones you care about you need a lot of knowledge and a great understanding of human emotion. So many things I told him that he doesn’t agree with get subconsciously he is a ready doing them. All that he scolded me for has worked — all that he agreed with the psychiatrist about is wrong. If I had taken the psychologist advice my friend would never have had any benefit. I could go on and on and give more specific details but I think the point of the conversation has been made. Tough love never fails as long as it is actually taught “love”. You cannot teach with malice or with the dark heart, must teach with empathy and a willingness to sacrifice your own emotional baggage and become human to the student. Something I always tell my students, when you teach, you have to screw up — you have to make a mistake even if it’s intentional, you have to appear human to the student.

Professionals like the psychologist that I know never appear human to their patients, they appear to be infallible professional. Whereas I appear to be strong and heartless in the beginning to show them strength but as we get closer a show them that I am indeed honorable, fragile, vulnerable, and my heart is there’s for the slaying or friendship — whichever they choose. It is only by showing strength in the dark side that people want to follow — it is only for the violence that people start in martial arts, they come to train with me initially because I am so tough and so good — they come for the fight — but after a few months they realize that it is not about the fight and I am very good at conveying to them the fight is nothing — it’s about living — it’s about being a good person every day being dedicated in being a good role model for those that you love.

In the end in my methods do seem harsh and not understood by many, are one thing that I need is a student willing to change, the psychologist is good at working with weak minded people who do not desire change merely an excuse to stay as they are. He gets paid whether they change or not said he is the professional — emotionally detached. I am emotionally involved and do not receive pay for helping someone. I am willing to put myself out there set an example and in the end be hated — for to be a teacher you must let go of your ego and not one the “professional” title. Whether in martial arts or in life I do not wish to be thought of as a rank or title — I do not claim certificates — I do not want to be addressed as shihan, or any other title particular to martial arts that is associated with high rank, I do not wish to be addressed as Sir or Mr., my greatest honor and pride is back of being the teacher.

To be a teacher you must walk the walk and set the example. You must suffer far more than the student and be far stronger than the student. But you must not expect them to be as strong as you were suffer as much as you. Being a teacher is being the Guardian, a friend, a disciplinarian, and the guide. That is not to say I have not grown in my life, matured, I always look back to my emotional baggage but the important thing is that I studied and came to understand it so that is no longer a weakness but our strength. In that way I feel I have served my friend well, I have appear human and now I have been hurt by his holding, but I do not hold malice towards him I only wish that he would progress faster and see the wisdom in my methods.

In the end we are friends and will remain friends, at least I hope. He stated he will not walk away from the friendship but still states all my flaws. However here’s the kick in the head, he told me he did not want me to interrupt him, talk over him, change subjects, he told me many things that he did not want me to do. To honor him I do not do that, but now he is upset that I have changed. This is so common that a student will complain about my methods yet when I change to comply with their ways they feel that they are no longer cared about. And there is less clear given because I am catering to their ways. What they do not understand is that all the complaining and advice is because I care for them, instead of lowering their head and saying thank you, they seek to become mighty teacher — something I do not need nor want. It is always harder for someone older than I to accept my advice — I get it — but if someone is not willing to be the student they cannot see the wisdom of the teacher. I don’t teach things that I have not experienced to their fullest degree or master, I only insist on things that I know are correct. For instance I will soon be teaching my longest student to use taps and dies — tools to read all hole in the steel — I am a machinist by trade — I have an expertise in this area. If my student were to argue with me about the drill size for a particular threaded hole I would have to insist that he is wrong and do it my way because I know what is the correct drill for the correct thread size. He will not argue with me as he is good at following instructions and therefore is my longest student and has the most knowledge — but if he were to argue with me about using the wrong drill size that I would have to let him and he would fail at spreading the whole — breaking the tap — the tool — and never learning. Such is the case with my friend — his life has been changed through his own admission for the better — he stated he is much more organized in his home and in his life — he stated everyone in his family sees a big change in him — however he scolded me for my methods so now I will back off — I’m not doing this to be spiteful but it is part of the learning process. He had to gain confidence by standing up to someone and if it is me that he should shit on that I am willing to take it for his benefit. After the harsh lesson the teacher then lowers his head and becomes the victim for a bit. My friend has to experience the confidence of throwing someone down and not getting confrontational about it. He has to experience someone saying “I’m sorry I hurt you and I won’t again”. That someone is to be me. It is all part of the process and I understand that. After he gains a little more confidence he will again scold me for not talking over him and for all the other things that he told me I should change. He will start to feel a bit unloved and think I do not care enough to correct them. But for now he needs the confidence of knowing that I listen — actually heard his words and I have changed because I care about him so much. In time he will put his emotion aside and see the care that I offered him — I think the psychologist was wrong — if we compare our success rates — I am far ahead of his methods. But he makes far more money than I do for doing much less.

As is my style I never like to state anything as fact merely throw a bunch of ideas for the reader to draw their own conclusions. This was a very broad conversation with pointed experiences yet little concrete evidence of how things unfolded. If you want to help someone you can only take them down a path that you have her ready walked. If you have walk down a path and failed — the enemy caught you off guard and killed you, then it would be very wrong of you, both from a moral standpoint in a matter of the heart to take someone down that same path for you know the end result — the enemy caught you off guard and took your life — why would you leave someone else down the same path? Only through experience and the willingness to admit your mistakes, more importantly, to offer the solution for them not to make your mistakes can you teach. And then there are the cases where most fail — when you actually know someone will make a mistake — the psychologist, psychiatrist, parents, they all try to prevent the person from making the mistake. The teacher, however, knows that the student will make the mistake and rather than try to prevent them from making that mistake the teacher will tell them, “I know you will make these mistakes and there is nothing I can do to change her mind — this is part of growing — you will have to make the mistake and you’ll have to suffer the consequences — instead of trying to prevent you from making the mistake I will teach you what to do WHEN you make the mistake so that you are not destined to make the same mistake again nor will you ruin your life for having made the mistake. You will make many mistakes in your life but the important thing is that you learn and grow from them — I will not try to prevent you from experiencing life only try to tell you what to do after you screw up”.

I hope in some small way that many readers will have new insight and be a better friend to others who are in need. Being a friend, being a teacher, always seeking wisdom and knowledge is a lonely path. You will get hurt by selfish people in the world will force you to become close off and cynical. But from your guarded castle you should always look over the wall to see if you notice someone passing by who you can at least invite to the front gate and possibly let them in to the courtyard. This is what I have done with my friend and if nothing else transpires between us I know that I given him something in his life that no one else has — by his own admission his life is changed — 12 days in Florida with me has given him new insight — new strength — a new way to live. So no matter what he yells at me about or how much he tells me I was wrong, I will apologize and smile and side knowing that perhaps for the first time in his life someone really made him feel that he matters — matters more than someone else

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